One more full weekend until I go back to Guilco. Victory Lap is what we like to call a final year, senior year, but I still have three more semesters to go. Graduation: May 2013 This is gonna be one odd semester, well… no, perhaps not odd, different perhaps is a better term, and I’m excited but bummed at the same time. Time really does move to fast when you get older… and I’m tech. a senior in college.

It’s going to be different. I’ve officially completed my East Asian Studies minor. I’m glad I was able to take Japanese and Chinese history and culture classes. But I’m really sad they don’t offer South Korean history and culture, though you can go abroad to South Korea at my school. I might have to do that. Seoul sounds like an exciting place, though I don’t think life really works like it does in the Korean dramas on Hulu and DramaFever. It’d be pretty sweet if it did.

But all I have left is to finish my English (Writing) major, and complete my Communications minor. Being half way done with English and being done with East Asian Studies really makes me feel like my senior year really is gonna flash before me.

Also, I quit my job last month. For two and a half years, I worked in my college’s admission’s office, and I have to say I really did love working there. But now I’m a teacher assistant for a second semester as well as I’m an Orientation Leader again. I’m really excited to be continuing my third year as an OL. I’m really lucky to have such a cool team to work with this summer. And with any luck I’ll be taking East Asian Theatre for my 400 IDS class. Exciting stuff, but all the same, not working for four months is gonna be strange… I’m so used to Admissions… but I’ll be getting used to Campus Life again just fine. Though I do plan to get a weekend job working at Natural Science Center of Greensboro. It’s nice because I could walk there if I wanted. It’s nice living in a place where I can cross the street, cross through a park, and on the other side is the Sci. Center. Though I still have my 23 yr. old car if I wanted to drive.

Yeah… realization of living in the real world soon… heh… scary yet my apathy towards it is stronger than any fear… well for the time being.

I was really excited about listening to this album. I’ve been a small fan of Rome for awhile now since I first heard the song “Lay Me Down” by Dirty Heads featuring Rome. I’ve been in some strange spirits lately so I have to say this album brought me back down to a mild form of reality from my insanity. Also it was just nice to listen to something different from Flatlined, My Darkest Days, and White Hot Knife. But I still love my favorite bands dearly. Though it’s nice sometimes to just listen to something else. And this cd did bring some inspiration with it, ah, new writing music, always fun, huh?

I look around me and I realize my time at Guilford College is approaching its end rather quickly. I’ve had to question myself on what the hell I’m going to do with myself after, and only one thought has come to my mind; being a screen writer first and foremost, followed by being a novelist by writing the book to those screen plays. The ultimate goal being a screen writer in South Korea. Though I have a long way to go to make that dream come true and I’m going to try to fight for it as hard as my passion will let me.

The love I found five years ago, I don’t know how to let it go, because all the memories, everything that impacted me, still is locked in my heart, leaving me to wonder if there’s a reason I can’t let go of that person. Perhaps I’m insane. Heh, I think I am. Doesn’t matter. I accepted myself a long time ago. I’ll leave it a higher power to decide that future.

Also I must say my ideas are not that grand, and honestly I am not looking to write the next great novel or the next super hit television drama. Realistically I need money in order to do what I love, thus I really am not striving to get the six figure job. I am perfectly happy working at a job I enjoy while working with people especially students. I am a writer, and Franz Kafka was right when he said, “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” That is how I feel every time I’m not writing, like I’m going to fall apart and go insane.

So my goal to myself, to be a better student, and write as if there is no tomorrow. To write as if somewhere love will find me again, and perhaps I’ll find some form of happiness somewhere along the way. And I know I have to make a lot of changes and letting go of friends that I love, but I’ve come to find my world and their worlds no longer really collide and I guess that’s just a part of growing up, huh? Not sure where I’ll go, but I know what I want and where I wanna be and that’s a start… that’s a start.

The feelings I once kept hidden in the box of my heart are disappearing, and I’ve been fully aware of it for awhile now, and ironically, because of you, I’ve become worse at what I do best. And yet I have no regret in facing the reality before me. But those mismatched feelings I carried for so long, have become absent, I can’t even remember the last time I saw your face in my memory. But it’s true, I keep replaying in my mind how much of an idiot I was for loving you, but more so because I trusted you with my whole heart and somewhere along the way I lost so too many friends, but more so I lost you.

I think it’s about time I go. But what more can I do as I sit and wait at a stop sign with my arms crossed at the wheel and my eyes focused on the cars that pass me by. Being maneuvered by an entrapping sleepless city never felt more comforting but at the same time it’s never felt more lonely. The sun shines through the rain clouds with a certain kind of shine. Nothing is ever left untouched by the chilled wind of fall that cuts through these streets I call mine. And I hear your voice, shouting my name, somewhere in the distance. But it’s not you this time. I still head after your shadow. And somehow I’m still fascinated by how beautiful your voice was. All these inerasable memories that led my heart astray still leave my world behind to burn.

If I keep trying to race after it, these lost feelings, might they still be found on the borderline between love and loneliness? And is it possible I could find that shine in someone else? I still can feel on my lips the kiss of our broken promises. But I can’t even remember the last time our words meant anything to the people around us. Even when it’s useless I still embrace this world I’ve created with open arms.

I once believed we had all the time in the world. I was wrong. I fell in love, even now both the strength of your spirit and your once sulking face keep me here, what I hated and what brought happiness I loved it all. But I’m still here and you’re gone, and I was wrong. I can blame my heart, I can race against false realities, but I didn’t think we’d get this wrong. And I don’t want to stare at our photos anymore because you have a beauty that can’t be reflected in pictures, and you have a darkness that I can’t keep inside my chest anymore.

The wind that fills these streets only continues to mock me telling me the two of us couldn’t become one. But we wrapped this world in a never ending illusion once. It’s me who brushed the surface as you sank deeper. And all I have left is the half-way remnant that I am now, and I keep losing a little. But god, I’ve gained so much more since you’ve left me to continue on my own journey. A journey you’ve continued ahead of me on. And even if it’s the only simple truth I have left… I don’t love you.

The silent pictures
The constant replays
It starts to move

Your once photographs
Bright blues
Posed pictures with me

The twilight sun
Spills across them
Once upon a time

Coming in, mingled
With the sound
Of passerbys and the outside

The pictures rest
Beside the window
Open and free

This lonely scene
Will never be
Us together again

I long to taste
An adventure
Out into the sea of me

Your lost words
They can not
Be heard by me

The sun goes
The dark comes
Swiftly, crash, dragonflies

My hands warm
Within jean pockets
Silent steps

Golden light from streetlights
Shine down
As I walk by

An unknown caller
A soft answer
A deadly reply

You are lost
I don’t know
Where to find you anymore

Perhaps with the dragonflies
In fields white
Under fallen dusk

The way you drive
Fast and smooth
It’s beyond you

The life you want
Never comes easy
Not for you

You whisper softly
Sweet memories
The you disappear from me

You go to fields
Fill with creeks
And white flowers

Looking for solutions
To problems
That don’t need answers

Your blue eyes
Meet hazel ones
In dark corners

Pictures only freeze
The time
We only shared

And you’re gone
It’s beyond me
To come find you

If you can hear me
I can’t see you
Can’t breathe you in

If it’s the fire
If this is goodbye
Share your dreams

Share them with
The dragonflies
Who lie and think they’re butterflies

1. Shooting Star- Air Traffic
2. Science Of Fear- The Temper Trap
3. Separation- They Skyward Promise
4. I Survived- The Graduate
5. Hearts and Mind- Ivoryline
6. Deepest Need- Inept
7. Its You- Morning Will Break
8. Night Of the Creeps- Everlea
9. Dangerous- House Of Heroes
10. Bent But Not Broken- Aftertrust
11. Element- Moses Mayfield
12. Dead Or Alive- Flatlined
13. Crash- Without Tomorrow
14. Be Mine- Robyn
15. Won’t Turn Back- Needtobreahte
16. The Beginning Of Anne- Fay Wolf
17. Ready To Fall- Rise Against
18. Tonight- The Afters
19. Time’s Running Out- The Section Quartet
20. Sorry- My Darkest Days
21. Look- Resident Hero
22. If You Don’t Mean It- Jon Peter Lewis
23. Accidental- Garou
24. I’ll Be In The Sky- B.o.B
25. Not Afraid- Eniemem
26. Moon- Flobots
27. Lay Me Down- Dirty Heads
28. I Won’t Follow- Test Your Reflex
29. Wired- Meghan Kabir
30. Julien- Placebo
31. More Than Science- Strike Out Pro
32. Second Street- FIVEOHfirst
33. The End Of Me- Prisoner’s Dilemma
34. Dance Alone- Lillix
35. Are You Ready- Three Days Grace
36. Emergency- Aimee Allen
37. Help I’m Alive- Metric
38. Your Ghost- Greg Laswell
39. All The Same To Me- Anya Marina
40. Four Chords- The Classic Crime
41. Dead Inside- Skillet
42. Moonlight Shadow- Groove Coverage
43. All We Want- Elias
44. War- Poets Of The Fall
45. Planet- Adema
46. You Stupid Girl- Framing Hanley
47. Heartbreaker- G Dragon
48. Play- Lorie
49. Why Bother- I Fight Dragons
50. Out To The Nation- The Golden Boys feat. Michie O

Top Ten Things:
1. Develop his own opinions and therefore not always agree with me, but still respect my beliefs.
2. Have an inquisitive mind.
3. Keep his promises to me and to others, especially if they are important ones.
4. Have a life outside of me. I am allowed to be his “whole world’ emotionally, but not literally. I want him to love me, not obsess over me.
5. Be faithful. Distance should not interfere with loyalty.
6. Be cultured, languages, books, news, manners, etc.
7. Be somewhat traditional, but should still be open to new ideas.
8.  Be a truly deep thinker.
9. Just be himself, without fear of not being good enough for me.
10. Believes that, with no interference, he and I could fall in love with each other one day.

There we have it kids. An ideal list composed of ten things. Seems simple enough eh? I think so. Though then again, we all have that dream partner, by hey that’s dreaming, the real thing is out there too right? Ha, I think so. Just depends on how you look at it. Well with that said… I think I’m gonna try something new. xp

To every heart thats growing darker, colder and colder
The heart on the sleave is getting older and older
Harder and harder to beat
To every soul thats burning brighter and brighter
Riding the fire higher and higher
The heart on the sleave is growing darker and darker
Harder and harder to bleed

And it won’t be long now
And in time you’ll find out
This heart is yours, let it bleed
And it won’t be long now
And in time you’ll find out
This heart is yours, let it bleed

To every time i keep you waiting, hoping and praying
The heart on that sleave is always building and breaking
Making it harder to see
To everything that doesn’t matter, pulling you under, taking you over
The heart on the sleave is getting closer and closer
Just cut it open and bleed

And it won’t be long now
And in time you’ll find out
This heart is yours, let it bleed
And it won’t be long now
And in time you’ll find out
This heart is yours, let it bleed

Time…
Time takes away
Time gives you chances to come back again

And it won’t be long now
And in time you’ll find out
This heart is yours, let it bleed
And it won’t be long now
And in time you’ll find out
This heart is yours, let it bleed