Between the crossroads of the sun
And the rain kissed window,
The humidity of the deepest thoughts,
Have endlessly kept me awake and dreaming.
Faint is the rhythm of something distant,
Yet so close to my chest,
An unshakable feeling.
Breath that’s been held for so long,
Air has become hard to breathe.
The realization that home
Has never been where I’ve come to be.
And of all these things that I’ve done,
In the name of what I’ve written since the beginning.
Just how much can a heart take,
When the best part of me has been in the spaces of
Your Cheshire smile and my longing heart.
But you’ve been far and I’ve been lost
Within storms that’ve torn away at my resolve.
All this rain keeps coming down in waves,
And the light of the sun tries so hard
To reach me in the darkest places I run.
In places where I’ve held on
To a simple truth for too long.
One I envisioned long before,
I came to know what real love was.
And in this place between the sun and rain,
I can’t remember what it’s like not to love you.
Between the crossroads of the sun
In a place that was coming to an end
There amongst the dim lighting
Windows that lined the wall beside me
Overlooking a busy street,
I’ve driven on a thousand times before
You sat in front of me,
With eyes that held the wrong questions
Burning inside you, the need
To know anything about me
At the table there was no escaping you
The coffee that reached my lips cold
Your words came quick and painful
Like a sword pressed against my chest
In an attempt for answers, I wouldn’t give
And in that moment I couldn’t fathom
What it was like to breathe, how to speak
In silence, how many times did I say
That my love for you was nonexistent
That my demons were stronger than yours
Swallowing down how many times
You never read a word, of the truths
I’ve scattered behind me
On multiple pages that litter the floors
And there you continued, looking for the answer
“Why him, and not me?”
The words whispered between the lines,
Carried in the silence, written in words indefinable.
These moments, when the world around me is so quiet,
I wonder what I’d be like to tilt my head
In your direction one more time.
To look in those eyes that sought
Someone who breathed like you.
Would you tell me something true, beautiful, wise?
Could you tell me why the pocket watch you carry
Can’t distinguish the hour of your time?
If time is relative, then I can’t speak for distance.
If distance was just miles, I’d already have reached a destination
On the map we drew together within our boarders, our lines.
Deep is the love I’ve held on to, so binding,
The red thread within the space that separates us.
I don’t know why I thought I could find refuge in the shadow
Of someone I thought I knew to be like you.
Or how I could forget how your eyes
Diverted to the ceiling many times
While a smile that had no definable expression
Would pierce my skin and be felt within my bones
These thoughts of you that blaze like a never ending fire
Haven’t evaded me in the time I’ve come to know
This feeling that has no definition.
Would you tell me something meaningful, existential, defined?
If I did look you in the eyes one more time?
From the depths within eyes
So grey and green,
An amber ring
You’ve been my favorite scene
Playing out in ways
I’ve not yet seen
Your voice echos
Everywhere I go
And in quiet moments
On busy afternoons
I can’t stop
Thinking of everything
That reminds me of you
I’m lying on the things
My heart knows
My darling, there’s things I wish
I could say
When your lips
Are so close to my ear
But the space between us
Is miles away
There’s things my mind
Thought it knew
Time passes by,
And as things fade
You’ve been the one thing
Like a ring that’s never
Left my finger
Letters I’ve written like paper
Versions of my heart
I carry them with me,
Only if I had the right postage
To a return address,
Maybe then you could
Find me once again
In the place
We once came together
Across time from you to me
Before I truly knew of you,
I heard of you in passing many times.
They told me I’d get to heaven,
Only thing I’d need was a pure heart,
Let the light within my eyes shine,
Reach for all that was good and right.
And for the longest time,
I couldn’t believe in a heaven or hell.
Faith wasn’t something I could have had,
When the world showed me a god so divided.
So I kept myself far from all its contradiction.
All I knew was that the spirit never dies,
If worthy of the universe
And the stars from which it was created.
That a righteous soul and a loving heart was truth enough.
Surely, the Maker gave me what I needed to live this life.
To see another chapter for another day.
They told me I’d go to hell,
If I didn’t believe in you the way they do.
If I couldn’t live by standards set out by those inspired by you.
How twisted has the snake in the garden become,
When lies are known, truth sprawled out for anyone,
Yet people still turn and close the door.
When was it that I started searching?
When I wasn’t even seeking.
How hard I’ve loved him and felt like I was drowning under.
And here I am, telling myself every day,
“I want to believe.”
I want to believe there’s a chance for us,
Just as I want to believe in you, an us.
There was nothing to stop him from stealing my heart.
But as I walk forth, I want you to be the flame within the dark,
A flame that consumes the darkness,
That’s been here long enough.
The only true thing I’ve had faith in is one of your sons.
In hindsight, it was that point in time,
You told me to come and follow.
I can only say, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.
So here I am, searching for a jump start to a heart.
For you to be my without a doubt.
I’m ready to believe in the one,
Who’s waiting for me to know a love I’ve always been after.
With the true hope, you’ll save me from my own destruction.
Miles between metanoia and past dreams
The ceiling of glass above is cracking
Above the silence, the incredible silence
Between the contour of my hand
And where my mind wanders
Like multiple storms that are unseen
But felt like burning ice that stings
To all that’s been buried inside of me
The embrace longed for consumes
Like an unfathomable fire
Scrotching everything within its wake
Wars have been waged against enervated eyes
From the start time continues on
To beat on the door of my heart
In the dark, where my spirit gets the best of me
How many times have I counted seconds
Watched as the hand of the clock moves ever so slowly
When has eternity ever been found, but when looking up
Overwhleming thoughts ripped apart,
Yet stilled when eyes look to the wall overhead
Even though the ceiling can’t be reached by these feelings,
The shards of it pierce irreversible and deep
Forcing me within the depths of my own reality
Been sitting at this bar for far too long,
Trying to ride this out.
Lost count of the drinks thrown back,
Words I haven’t yet said.
Scattered pages, thoughts that wander.
The bleeding of ink against fingertips
That brush against another empty glass.
A melody of something lost,
Memories that seem like distant stars
Once wished upon.
There’s a wonderland yet to be reached.
Time keeps passing me by,
And I keep trying to write down
Any of the pieces you left me with.
To the bartender;
“Tell me when was it last,
That guy with the Cheshire smile came around?”
Thoughts replay relentlessly
With uncertain expectation.
Hazel eyes that couldn’t be adverted,
Not when his lips were at my ear.
I’d follow those words anywhere.
Through any maze, past the garden of hearts.
Along the wind, past the doors of this bar.
At the bottom of this glass,
There’s a story that’s been lying in wait
Between my fingers and this empty page.
Don’t have much time left, a final call,
And all I want to hear is the sound of your voice
Instead of words written on strips of paper.
When was the last time, I saw the sun within the rain? When was it last, that I waged a war between my heart and this piece of paper with my pen? Old words on pages scattered all over the mahogany desk you used to sit behind. How long, is too long without sifting through old familiar thoughts which once led my sight to the persona of what I’d been waiting for? The music box still playing a chimed song of memory, the candles illuminating the space where maps to our thoughts once hung. Each pin a destination of where my dreams could take us. It’s been centuries since you grasped my wrist and pulled me to your chest. The window faces the direction of a sunrise I’ve seen countless times, antiqued glass and chipped paint, the rays never hit the same way, not since you left this place. Tell me, where does a mind wander to, when it’s been suppressed for so long? Does one forget how to fight? Do whispers fade? Can the foundation break? And when I close my eyes, how can I forget every piece of the story that I knew? The pieces of you that line these bookshelves. Your words behind me, to reach out for any book in your arsenal of identity. When was it last, that I spoke the words of a phantom thief? When was it last I used your real name across the lined pages of the fight I’ve been in between this paper and pen?
I’m left standing here, softly I tremble
Thinking of how much I’ve changed
And how unsatisfied I am with life
I look to the bracelet on my left wrist
“Stay humble, stay hopeful…”
A year and a half has gone by
And it’s never failed to remind me
Of where I’ve been the last year of my life
I’ve waited for the circle to break
Waited for some kind of sign to guide me
To point me in a direction of where I should be
The right place and point within the right time
Some kind of inner voice that says,
“I’m not finished with you yet…”
A whisper from behind that tells me,
“Keep asking, searching, knocking…”
I’m not ready to give up on the dream
The hopeless romantic within me
That believes in the love I’ve built up
For what feels like an eternity
I close my eyes and I’m back, back to the beginning
Thinking of a chance encounter
How along the way, I’ve ended up here
At the last place of figuring out where to go from here
Where my heart yearns to be
And I look to the bracelet on my left wrist
Ready to put it in a jewelry box
Ready for a change and a new circle to remind me
Of where I want to go and where I am at in life
All I can do in this moment is have faith
In the realities that remain unseen to me
There’s a shadow
That lingers within memories
A melody that never skips,
Not when I think of you
Time has done nothing
But remind me
A heart beats for many things
Lips whisper to the sky
“Once in time
You were my love
And how I miss you so”
Where I was,
And where I’m standing,
How can I forget?
Those eyes that stared
Into my spirit,
You who danced with me
How lost I’ve become,
Yet how found
I’ve come to be
Standing up in the midst
Of it all
Now that I’m stronger,
I’ve figured out
Deep inside me
Just where my heart’s been
And where my mind wandered
It’s still you
Who I want to catch me
If I fall.