Millions of thoughts have come and gone, and the only thing I know, is that there are ashes where you once stood. How many times since the moment I witnessed your last breath, did I wonder, just how lonely you must have been in the world. Just how lost you had become within the vices that finally pulled you down. The ones that stole you away from dancing with your little girl. Did I do all I could, did I make you proud during the twilight hour? And when you looked upon my picture, was there pride deep inside? And what of all the stories you promised? All the things you said you wanted me to know. How many times, did you see me? Hear me? The things you questioned about. When I’d go on an adventure of my own. At what point would I find who I am. And what of love, my own family. For so long I thought I’d fall in love with someone who also believed in heroes, knights, and how chivalry would always be the right thing. I miss such things. But all I’ve thought about is how much I carry so much of you in me. And who will walk me down the aisle, when my time comes to dance with a gentleman, my next leading man. All these things in this life, I won’t show you. Such an unfair realization and reality.
Along the roadway to
Two roads I didn’t see next to me.
There I stepped away from the
Path I had been upon.
Within the downpour of all
That has come and gone,
There were pieces missing
And all that remained,
Was the core of something
I knew once, I once believed.
How hidden I’ve kept
My eyes behind shadows,
And how well I’ve held onto
The compass that keeps me still.
The fights to keep my path straight
And what was left of me.
This umbrella, the shield
I kept to safeguard a heart,
It no longer keeps out
The storms I kept away before.
Just when did I become
One of the broken hearted?
When was it that your
Eyes laid upon me?
And what time was it,
That you called my name?
Loud enough I turned around
To face the path less traveled down.
A push to direct my step.
Tell me when the storm is over,
All the things I once carried, that’ve faded away,
And the shield fallen, will I see it?
The dawn within the horizon promised.
Between the crossroads of the sun
And the rain kissed window,
The humidity of the deepest thoughts,
Have endlessly kept me awake and dreaming.
Faint is the rhythm of something distant,
Yet so close to my chest,
An unshakable feeling.
Breath that’s been held for so long,
Air has become hard to breathe.
The realization that home
Has never been where I’ve come to be.
And of all these things that I’ve done,
In the name of what I’ve written since the beginning.
Just how much can a heart take,
When the best part of me has been in the spaces of
Your Cheshire smile and my longing heart.
But you’ve been far and I’ve been lost
Within storms that’ve torn away at my resolve.
All this rain keeps coming down in waves,
And the light of the sun tries so hard
To reach me in the darkest places I run.
In places where I’ve held on
To a simple truth for too long.
One I envisioned long before,
I came to know what real love was.
And in this place between the sun and rain,
I can’t remember what it’s like not to love you.
In a place that was coming to an end
There amongst the dim lighting
Windows that lined the wall beside me
Overlooking a busy street,
I’ve driven on a thousand times before
You sat in front of me,
With eyes that held the wrong questions
Burning inside you, the need
To know anything about me
At the table there was no escaping you
The coffee that reached my lips cold
Your words came quick and painful
Like a sword pressed against my chest
In an attempt for answers, I wouldn’t give
And in that moment I couldn’t fathom
What it was like to breathe, how to speak
In silence, how many times did I say
That my love for you was nonexistent
That my demons were stronger than yours
Swallowing down how many times
You never read a word, of the truths
I’ve scattered behind me
On multiple pages that litter the floors
And there you continued, looking for the answer
“Why him, and not me?”
The words whispered between the lines,
Carried in the silence, written in words indefinable.
These moments, when the world around me is so quiet,
I wonder what I’d be like to tilt my head
In your direction one more time.
To look in those eyes that sought
Someone who breathed like you.
Would you tell me something true, beautiful, wise?
Could you tell me why the pocket watch you carry
Can’t distinguish the hour of your time?
If time is relative, then I can’t speak for distance.
If distance was just miles, I’d already have reached a destination
On the map we drew together within our boarders, our lines.
Deep is the love I’ve held on to, so binding,
The red thread within the space that separates us.
I don’t know why I thought I could find refuge in the shadow
Of someone I thought I knew to be like you.
Or how I could forget how your eyes
Diverted to the ceiling many times
While a smile that had no definable expression
Would pierce my skin and be felt within my bones
These thoughts of you that blaze like a never ending fire
Haven’t evaded me in the time I’ve come to know
This feeling that has no definition.
Would you tell me something meaningful, existential, defined?
If I did look you in the eyes one more time?
From the depths within eyes
So grey and green,
An amber ring
You’ve been my favorite scene
Playing out in ways
I’ve not yet seen
Your voice echos
Everywhere I go
And in quiet moments
On busy afternoons
I can’t stop
Thinking of everything
That reminds me of you
I’m lying on the things
My heart knows
My darling, there’s things I wish
I could say
When your lips
Are so close to my ear
But the space between us
Is miles away
There’s things my mind
Thought it knew
Time passes by,
And as things fade
You’ve been the one thing
Like a ring that’s never
Left my finger
Letters I’ve written like paper
Versions of my heart
I carry them with me,
Only if I had the right postage
To a return address,
Maybe then you could
Find me once again
In the place
We once came together
Across time from you to me
Before I truly knew of you,
I heard of you in passing many times.
They told me I’d get to heaven,
Only thing I’d need was a pure heart,
Let the light within my eyes shine,
Reach for all that was good and right.
And for the longest time,
I couldn’t believe in a heaven or hell.
Faith wasn’t something I could have had,
When the world showed me a god so divided.
So I kept myself far from all its contradiction.
All I knew was that the spirit never dies,
If worthy of the universe
And the stars from which it was created.
That a righteous soul and a loving heart was truth enough.
Surely, the Maker gave me what I needed to live this life.
To see another chapter for another day.
They told me I’d go to hell,
If I didn’t believe in you the way they do.
If I couldn’t live by standards set out by those inspired by you.
How twisted has the snake in the garden become,
When lies are known, truth sprawled out for anyone,
Yet people still turn and close the door.
When was it that I started searching?
When I wasn’t even seeking.
How hard I’ve loved him and felt like I was drowning under.
And here I am, telling myself every day,
“I want to believe.”
I want to believe there’s a chance for us,
Just as I want to believe in you, an us.
There was nothing to stop him from stealing my heart.
But as I walk forth, I want you to be the flame within the dark,
A flame that consumes the darkness,
That’s been here long enough.
The only true thing I’ve had faith in is one of your sons.
In hindsight, it was that point in time,
You told me to come and follow.
I can only say, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.
So here I am, searching for a jump start to a heart.
For you to be my without a doubt.
I’m ready to believe in the one,
Who’s waiting for me to know a love I’ve always been after.
With the true hope, you’ll save me from my own destruction.
Miles between metanoia and past dreams
The ceiling of glass above is cracking
Above the silence, the incredible silence
Between the contour of my hand
And where my mind wanders
Like multiple storms that are unseen
But felt like burning ice that stings
To all that’s been buried inside of me
The embrace longed for consumes
Like an unfathomable fire
Scrotching everything within its wake
Wars have been waged against enervated eyes
From the start time continues on
To beat on the door of my heart
In the dark, where my spirit gets the best of me
How many times have I counted seconds
Watched as the hand of the clock moves ever so slowly
When has eternity ever been found, but when looking up
Overwhleming thoughts ripped apart,
Yet stilled when eyes look to the wall overhead
Even though the ceiling can’t be reached by these feelings,
The shards of it pierce irreversible and deep
Forcing me within the depths of my own reality